I randomly felt the need to blog while eating, so here i go.
My life feels empty at the moment. I guess that's what summer vacations do to you sometimes, but i absolutely have nothing going on. Not that i regularly do, but i feel like a waste; a waste of space that could be given to someone worthy of it. I usually have these thoughts and self loathing problems, but today really is putting me down. It's not to the point to where i feel the need to do something completely extreme, it wont ever get that far, but today seems different. I spent most of today's afternoon locked up in my room watching DEAD LIKE ME; that may have something to do with it, but i don't know. I started thinking about what i've done with my life so far. In the show, Georgia (the main character) died at 18 and felt horrible that she hadn't done anything with her life. Eighteen and dead... nothing accomplished. She hadn't expected to die that day, but she did. I bet she thought she was going to be able to live more, but she didn't. Life for her took her on a different path. To a dead end. Georgia is a teenager with an crude attitude and I'm not, but if i was to die tomorrow, what would i have accomplished? Watching online television programs for a whole day? Wow! i should be in a record book! But honestly. what have i done with my life. I always use the excuse that i live in a small town and there isn't anything to do, but it's a lie. Not the part of it being a small town, but the part of there being nothing to do. Whether it's hanging out with friends or just walking around aimlessly, i bet its more productive than spending all day on Twitter or Myspace or Yahoo!Messenger. I doubt that blogging about my stupid problems will give me the push i need to start getting it going or begin to do any of the things i want to do, but maybe if i do die tomorrow, someone will look back on it and think "so this is what was going on in her head. i feel like i know her better. too bad she isn't here anymore to help do any of the things she dreamed of. I will live my life to the fullest for her. she has inspired me." Then i would have accomplished something BY dying. I also tend to blame my parents. I tell my friends that i can't do something because my parents have me on a "short leash." It's true, but not always entirely true. I guess what I'm trying to get across is that I'm EXTREMELY lazy. I've had the privilege of growing up with out hardships that other people have had. I don't come from a wealthy family, but a middle class. We sometimes do have our financial troubles, where my dad calls us to the kitchen table and tells us "we have to be careful with how we spend our money... at least for awhile." Also, like many and many of the people out in the world, i too have lost someone close to me, my grandma. It was about 3 or 4 years ago, but i pushed it to the back of my head that sometimes it pops into my head. Its like a tornado is in my head and thoughts come and go-just swirling around in my mind. I miss her a lot. And as much as i try to live without regrets, i cant help but regret. I regret always dreading going over to their house every weekend. I regret rarely hugging her while she was sick. I regret not crying as much as i wanted when my dad told us that we lost her. I felt like i had to be strong for everyone, even though i was the youngest. I EVEN hate that i wasn't born a year older-maybe if i was a year older she would have been able to go to my 8th grade promotion ceremony. Maybe she would have been able to see me in my dress and my small heels. But I'm not. I'm not a year older. I am the age that i am and i had to go to the hospital in my dress the next day so that she could see me, but it isn't the same. She didn't get to go down to the field and say congratulations to me because she was too tired from all the medication given to her. I suppose that her death is the main reason for my regrets-not that i blame her, but i wish she hadn't gone away. It makes me even feel worse when they tell me that i remind them of her. It not only makes me sad and miss her, but it also weirds me out. Makes me think that maybe her soul got inside of me (like in Wizards of Waverly Place where Alex and Harper's brain are both in the same body). I think she was 63 when she died, so I'm guessing she had a pretty accomplished life. I mean, she had two sons and a husband that loved her since the 60's. I would think that is worth calling an accomplishment. I'm sure there was more she would have wanted to see and experience, but i guess things don't always end up that way. I thing that bugs me the most is what i last told her. I think its what everyone wishes they had said before someone dies, but to me...i hate it. That moment and in my memory, it feels like everything was in slow motion. Going to visit her at the hospital and seeing her in her bed-weak from using all her strength to get her glass of water. Then i had to go outside of the room because she had to be given a shot by the nurse. I waited outside as she was being given some medication for her pain. Then things really slowed down. The nurse slid the curtain open with her small feminine hands and told me i could enter. I went in with such hope that she would be feeling better but i was let down. I felt like i had been let down by everything that i believed in and everyone i ever met. I felt like i had been lied to by everyone. She was quietly groaning from pain and i couldn't stand being in that room. I said hi to her and as fast as i could in slow motion mode, went outside the room and took a deep breath. As i began to calm down, i was told it was time to go. So i went into the room after my sister and hugged her kissed her hand and said goodbye. I don't think she heard me because it was more of a whisper. I hated saying it, but i felt i had to. I knew for a fact that it would be the last time i saw her with a breath still left in her. I felt as though i was going less than a mile per second. i let go of her hand and left the room. As i was turning the corner of the doorway, i heard her say with all her strength "i love you, gals." That still brings me to tears. She still had some dreams and hopes left in her, but i guess it's not our choice whether we want to live or die. I don't know who's decision it is, but who's ever it is, i hope they know what they're doing.
But anyways, back to the original thought- i feel i have not accomplished enough. I have not yet made my mark on the earth. I hope i get the chance to. For whoever is reading this, or if anyone is reading this, if u regret anything just know that whether good or bad, regret is a part of life. Don't be afraid to regret.
Life is how we live it, so live it to your liking.... if that makes sense.
I'm done with this now. Done with this unaccomplished feeling. I have to just accept that this is my life and its like this because i made it like this. If i don't like it, then i should do something about it, right? well good luck and happiness to all of you out there in the world- whether reading his or not.
